Sunday, May 26, 2013

Things You Can Say if You're Nicholas Sparks

There are certain things you can say when you're a best-selling author. Things that simply dribble out of your mouth like decadent crumbs of the finest French pastry money can buy. These are the dream words of those writers, such as myself, who aspire to leap tall buildings at a single bound - or merely to reach some similar pinnacle on the Publishing Success Superhighway. Many of the authorly creme de la creme have uttered such darlings. Not just Mr. Sparks. It could easily be Mr. Green, Mr. King, Ms. Stockett, Ms. Rowling. I could go on, but you get the gist. Here they are in no particular order of relevance:

1) I'm planning a trek around the world right after I receive my next million dollar advance.

2) My work transcends typical genre. If I have to be honest, I suppose I've crafted my own genre.

3) In that my books are widely taught in schools around the world, I must remain mindful of those students everywhere who consider me a role model.

4) I'm especially thrilled with the latest screen adaptation of my new book. Channing Tatum has been cast in the lead, by the way.

5) Would you mind passing my diamond-encrusted salt shaker?

6) The nice folks at the NY Times keep insisting on including my stories on their little list.

7) Writing is hard work. Sometimes, when I'm on a deadline, I don't get the yacht out for days on end.

8) Rejection is nothing the first Hollywood premier won't cure.

9) Advice to new writers: Writing is a full-scale competition. There is always someone who tells a better tale than you do. But, don't let that discourage you.

10) The best way to handle negative reviews is to purchase a brand new car - preferably something foreign with some decent horse power to it. That ought to do the trick.

Okay, I'm kidding, more or less. No need to drop me a line to inform me that Nick (and/or JK and the gang) does not own a yacht (it's a cabin cruiser. Details.) Writing isn't about the wealth, or the notoriety, or the waves of critical acclaim. Hell, if that were the case nearly half the writers in this world would have shut down shop long ago. It's actually pretty simple. It's a homage to the love of words. It's a desire to roll around in a giant vat of creativity and make something beautiful come of it.

Being published is a lofty dream. Yet it's reachable. We know it. We've seen it happen. We want it. We crave it. It's a can-do after years of hearing you can-not. It's about that moment of personal achievement, the one where you say, "I did it, damn it." And to celebrate you break out a Devil Dog and a glass of cold milk and you hold your book in your hands and you smile.

Unless your Nicholas Sparks and then you pay your staff to smile for you. ;)

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