Thursday, December 31, 2009

Easy Come - Easy Go

Here we go again. With only hours left in 2009, it's time to take a peek at what this odd year amounted to. As aspirations go - I was full steam ahead - hit the ground running and kept at it until, well, I ran out of gas. It was the year I ALMOST got an agent. Too bad this isn't horseshoes or hand grenades. It's publishing, and "almost" doesn't count for much here. There's no bitterness, no regrets and no shoulda/woulda/coulda. If anything, I reached my end of '08 resolution with about two weeks to spare.
2010 will bring significant changes. Real changes. Tangible, hands-on stuff. Not the fluff that dreams are made of, like a spot on the shelf at B & N, Borders, etc. If that happens, if it's part of some grand design, then I'll be ready to meet it. Happily. If not, I'll be just as content as I was before all the madness first ensued.
Growing up is tough sometimes.
So I part '09 much in the same way I went in - slightly disillusioned and a tad dehydrated. But here, nonetheless.
Blessings all!

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Low Elf Esteem

I didn't coin that phrase. It's another one of those I wish I had been clever enough of think of first. Anyway, it's fitting now, in this (almost) zero hour. Halls are decked, gay apparel is donned (whatever?) and the stockings are hung by the chimney with care. Outside the window, there's a freshly laid blanket of snow courtesy of the seasons premiere blizzard.
For all intense and purposes it's Christmas 101. And by the look of things I pulled an A plus. low elf esteem nudges with those same old nagging doubts. Did I do enough? Will everyone get what they really wanted? What is it about this particular holiday that dredges up my latent ego issues and images of a perfect Christmas past, when I wasn't the director of the show, but merely a joyful participant?
It's all up to me these days. In as much as I'm fairly certain I have risen to the occasion, I look to my kids for validation; suddenly insecure that I am capable of creating a December 25th that my own offspring will attempt to replicate when its their turn at the helm.
All this needless worrying when I'm well aware that in the scheme of things, this is merely a blip on the radar screen. Yet, when you're the main memory maker - you're like Avis. You try harder.
A dose of elf-confidence is in order. That, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree.
A mothers work is just never done.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

The Undeniable Change

The tree is trimmed. And today I made a sizable dent in my Xmas shopping. I'm humming holiday tunes in spite of my publicly denouncing the early arrival of EVERYTHING CHRISTMAS. Heaven knows, I've succumbed. I know I have.
This years celebration is bittersweet. There's a very good chance it'll be the last one that takes place in the house I've lived in for a decade & a half. With plans underway to try and move by the middle of 2010, I've spent months constructing my defense. The mantra of the season is, "embrace change, warmly." Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
As a creature of habit this attitude will take some getting used to. That, and maybe a Valium.
I want to throw my arms around whatever lies ahead. I want to meet it head on with a prescription-free smile.
More than that though, I want to memorize every single square inch of these rooms, decorated now in ribbons and bows, poinsettias and twinkling lights.
I am well aware that home is where the heart is. Trouble is, my hearts been HERE for so very long residing within these old, familiar walls.
Alas, life goes on. The calendar won't be denied. Heaven knows, I've succumbed in spite of myself.
Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.