Friday, September 24, 2010

The Wonderful Life of Author X (A Mini-Series)

A very dear writer friend of mine has just completed her first manuscript. She's polished it up and has recently entered Query Hell, otherwise known as - the search for a literary agent. Bless her oblivious soul. She's given me permission to document the events of the past few months. It is with the utmost empathy that I report on her progress. For the sake of all that's decent - I'll refer to her as Author X.

Author X - (one day post querying approx. 10 agents): I'm feeling really positive. This is the beginning of great things for me. I've consulted 2 different psychics. Do the words,"Oprah" and "six-figure deal" mean anything to you? Eek. I have to check my e-mails. Again.

Me: Uh-huh.

Author X (one week post queries): I got my first five rejections. Funny. They all said the same exact thing. I need some chocolate and Tylenol. This hurts.

Me: Uh-huh.

Author X (second week post queries): There must be something wrong with my inbox. I'm not getting any new messages. Do you have the phone number to hotmail?

Me: No.

Author X (during week 3): Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I got a request for 50 pages!!! Life is good after all. I'm on my way!

Me: Uh-huh.

Author X (at week 6): Please help me. I can't stop refreshing my e-mails. Please. Help.

Me:(suggests trip to movies without internet access and a bottle of Patron.)

Author X (week 8): The agent sent a form R on my partial. How does anyone EVER get published? This is impossible. I'll never write another word again as long as I live.
I suck. Really bad. I need more chocolate. More Tylenol.

Me: Uh-huh. (presents Hershey's, aspirin and extra large Patron.)

What are friends for?

To be continued...

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